Posts Tagged ‘humour’

The Ice Cream Wrap

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Today I had a wrap for lunch and an ice cream sandwich for dessert. And I thought, what if I had a sandwich for lunch and an ice cream wrap for dessert!


There is a whole “consumergraphic” that dislikes sandwiches in preference for wraps AND YET the ice cream wrap does not exist!

Lets be honest, in terms of first world problems, this one lands high on the priority list: a lack of consumer ice cream sandwich outsides options.

Standard / Mini Size
Sandwich Wrap
Wafer Cookie Wafer Wrap Crepe
Vanilla Standard Standard Doesn’t Exist Standard
Chocolate Standard Standard Doesn’t Exist Standard
Coconut Standard Standard Doesn’t Exist Standard
Chocolate Mint Possible Possible Doesn’t Exist Possible
Peanut Butter Possible Possible Doesn’t Exist Possible
Zuccini Weird Weird Doesn’t Exist Weird

There are lots of cookie options but a wafer is a wafer.

What if a wafer was a wafer wrap?


I sent of my product mock up to to ask for a good reason why this product is not part of their line-up. Shay Haack from customer relations replied:

Hello Richard,

Thank you for your suggestion (and deliciously looking mock-up!) We appreciate our fans SO much and enjoy hearing suggestions! Along with providing great dairy free alternatives to you and your families,  suggestions from our fans propelled us to really look at all ideas and see if it’s something we can actually make happen!

We are always looking onto new and “Delicious” ideas.  You have a great suggestion, I will send this to our research and development department.

Have an amazing day,


P.S Reply back with your address if you would like some coupons!

sodeliciousShay Haack
Consumer Relations
So Delicious Dairy Free
Turtle Mountain, LLC
 1-866-388-7853  ext. 3445


Thanks Shay! I wonder what it’s like to be a part of the R&D department at an ice cream store?


Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock Expansion Pack

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For those who have not seen The Big Bang Theory season 2 episode 8, Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock (RPSLS) is a branch of the classic Rock-Paper-Scissors game with the two obvious additions.

I was originally too quick to give the show’s creators, Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady, credit for the creation of the game, learning recently that it was actually invented by Sam Kass and Karen Bryla.

For a party this year, I designed an expansion pack of cards to mix things up even more. Each card either trumps one of the rules, or restricts the opponent.



*If you have one of these cards, you must tell the opponent before initiating play.

Party Game Rules

  1. You get five blank challenge cards, and one of the above special cards upon arrival to the party
  2. Over the course of the evening, you (the challenger) can challenge another attendee (the defender) to three consecutive games of RPSLS.
    • Either player can use a special card to affect play.
  3. If the challenger loses two out of three games, they forfeit one of their challenge cards to the defender.
  4. If the challenger wins two out of three games, they collect one of the defender’s challenge cards.
  5. The challenger and defender swap special cards at the end of the round.

At the end of the evening, each attendee writes their name on the back of all their collected / remaining challenge cards and submits them for the prize draw.

Download the RPSLS Expansion Pack Cards to cut out and play for yourself.

Creative Commons Licence
Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock Expansion Pack by Richard Greenwood is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at

Email Overload

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I read Mike Davidson’s lo-fi solution to email overload ages ago, and have decided to give it a try.

Most people I’ve emailed have had their chance to make fun of me for using this. They typically make note of how their own reply’s sentence count either falls short of, matches or exceeds the five sentence maximum.

How to master the the art of brevity:

  1. Speak less when necessary.

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Dripping gold leaf and the most deadly foe

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I find that animated features are so closely linked with children’s narratives that when a mature animation comes along, complete with gore and sexual allusions, it takes me a while to adjust (this is a cartoon, they shouldn’t be doing that!). Aside from the more blatant story deviations in Robert Zemeckis CG epic Beowulf, there is one that sticks out the most.

The filmmakers felt the need to exaggerate the terror that Grendel’s mother possesses and the danger that she threatens. There are only a few key steps that are required to really make this happen and in the process ensure that this becomes the blockbuster ode to the Anglo-Saxon heroic oral tradition that it really should be.

First off, let’s cast Angelina as the great object of all male lust – a pretty scary thought, either because of her market value to all the gamers who are dying to see this film or because of the nature of the motivation behind this deviation.

Next, let’s make her more powerful than Grendel. She kills only one man in the epic poem, but our unfortunate CG Beowulf wakes after the victory-over-Grendel-celebration to find all the men in the mead hall dead and hanging from the rafters. Suddenly she is much more monstrous.

Lastly and best of all, the one thing that will make her stature more terrifying than any foe that Beowulf has ever faced, the one thing that will solidify her both in the hearts of all those gamers and in the halls of fear and wonder as stunningly powerful, stunningly beautiful and glowing in all her twenty-first century adaptation glory, is her shoes. Let’s clad her only in dripping gold leaf and heels. Man, if she has time to braid 12 feet of hair, can rip !@#$ up, walk on water and do it all in heels as if it were a regular day at the water cave she must truly be the anti-Christ.

How to Sing the Blues

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By Lame Mango Washington

  1. Most Blues begin, Woke up this morning.
  2. I got a good woman is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line, like I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.
  3. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain’t no way out.
  4. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an’ state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
  5. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
  6. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.
  7. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
  8. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
  9. Places for the Blues:
    • Good places:
      1. highway
      2. jailhouse
      3. empty bed
      4. bottom of a whiskey glass
    • Bad places:
      1. Ashrams
      2. gallery openings
      3. Ivy League institutions
      4. golf courses
  10. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
  11. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
    • Yes, if
      1. you’re older than dirt
      2. you’re blind
      3. you shot a man in Memphis
      4. you can’t be satisfied
    • No, if
      1. you have all your teeth
      2. you were once blind but now can see
      3. the man in Memphis lived.
      4. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
  12. Blues is not a matter of colour. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
  13. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues.
    • Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
      1. wine
      2. whiskey or bourbon
      3. muddy water
      4. black coffee
    • The following are NOT Blues beverages:
      1. mixed drinks
      2. kosher wine
      3. Snapple
      4. sparkling water
  14. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
  15. Some Blues names for women:
    • Sadie
    • Big Mama
    • Bessie
    • Fat River Dumpling
  16. Some Blues names for men:
    • Joe
    • Willie
    • Little Willie
    • Big Willie
  17. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
  18. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
    • name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
    • first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
    • last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
    • For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not Kiwi. )

One stop pathology tests

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The Faceless SQL Geek Test

Courtesy of – whatever you do, don’t laugh.

Exploits of a Mom


The Morbid Pathological Killer Test

Courtesy of some international crime profiler spamming session – whatever you do, don’t get the answer.

So a woman meets tall-dark-handsome-man-of-her-dreams at her own mother’s funeral. After realizing that she has fallen madly in love with this man, she also realizes that in the conflicting emotions of the day, she foolishly neglected to follow the basic steps required when meeting tall-dark-handsome-man-of-her-dreams: she doesn’t have any contact information on this guy. And alas, she has no luck tracking him down.

Several days later, she morbidly and pathologically kills her sister.

So the question is: what is this woman’s motive for killing her sister?

Mouse over for the tool tip answer if you dare.

If you answered both of these questions incorrectly, you can assure yourself of your Faceless Morbid SQL Pathological Geek Killer status.

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